


I May be a Fool to Love by the Rules and Want it to Last

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drama, F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-02
Updated: 2013-03-02
Packaged: 2017-12-04 02:05:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/705256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kevin actually feared that his happiness would always, in some way, be attached to hers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I May be a Fool to Love by the Rules and Want it to Last

**Author's Note:**

> I love this ship and I really want them to get back together. I'm not sure it'll happen so I decided to write it myself. Of course I'm petrified I didn't get their voices right since this is only the second story I've written about them. But I decided to do it anyway. The title comes from the Vince Gill song, If You Ever Have Forever in Mind.

“I could’ve danced all night.” Penelope said. As she and Kevin took a few steps out of the club, she spun around. She teetered a bit, high on life and champagne, but Kevin held on to her and she stayed on her feet. “I'm really serious…it was amazing. I could’ve danced all night, Kevin.”

“I believe you.” he smiled as he lifted his umbrella. It wasn’t raining when they went in but he knew there would be showers overnight. It didn’t seem to bother his companion one bit.

“Dancing just brings this energy, you know what I mean? You feel alive and I can feel all the pistons firing in my brain and the endorphins running through my bloodstream and its making me feel so good. And I deserve to feel good, don’t I? The last couple of months haven’t been good. It’s probably been longer than that but the past couple of months…total yuck. But I don’t feel that right now. I feel high.”

“It could be the champagne. Cold Duck does that to you.”

“It’s not the champagne silly.” She kissed his cheek. “OK, it could be the champagne a little but it’s mostly the dancing. I'm so glad we came here tonight. This was the best idea ever!”

Kevin wasn’t even sure he was going to ask her. He didn’t want to look at it as a date. They were still in this limbo, not apart but surely not together. Every time he took a step forward, Penelope took a step back. When she took two steps forward, he took one back. 

They never seemed to be on the same page. Kevin was about to totally give up…there were probably parts of him that already had. But he loved Penelope. He didn’t just love her, he loved her. He breathed her and dreamed her and felt her in between his heartbeats. 

The woman had him from the first time he entered her lair. He didn’t even need to see her face to know that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Penelope made it quite clear that wasn’t what she wanted. He could accept that and try to have a more casual relationship or he could move on. It had been five years now; there was no middle ground. 

She wasn’t going to marry him. Since he knew things had been crazy lately and that something was wrong, Kevin decided to make a move. He asked her to go dancing. He told her it wasn’t a date, just two people going out to enjoy themselves and relieve stress. 

Penelope jumped at the chance. Her butt had been glued to that BAU chair for far too long. She needed to see people and drink and have conversation and dance. There were so few opportunities to be anywhere but work or with her teammates lately. She would've been a fool to turn him down.

“I'm really glad you enjoyed yourself.” he said.

They were walking. The dance club, where tonight had been big band night, was about a mile from Penelope’s home. It was the perfect night to walk. The capital wasn’t too cold and the rain was nice. It would be a good way to enjoy the happy buzz of champagne and moving their bodies.

“It was the most awesome experience ever.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“The most awesome experience recently.” Penelope amended. “Kevin, things have not been good.”

“I'm sorry to hear that.” he wasn’t just making conversation; it was the truth. Together or apart, all he wanted was for Penelope to be happy. Kevin actually feared that his happiness would always, in some way, be attached to hers.

“I mean there have been moments of happiness, sure. But Emily moved all the way to London…do you know how far away that is. And then Alex joined the team. I love her now but it was so hard in the beginning. 

“The cases are getting more difficult, the team is struggling to keep up sometimes with all the crazies. Reid had a girlfriend and she was murdered Kevin. She was murdered and it was the worse thing imaginable. Now there's this stalker and…”

“Whoa, you have a stalker?” he actually stopped on the sidewalk and looked at her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t…I wouldn’t say that I have a stalker. Oh boy, I probably shouldn’t even be talking about this.”

“If you're in danger you have to tell me Penelope. I can't…” Kevin could hardly finish the sentence. In fact he was having difficulty breathing.

“Are you OK?” Penelope noticed it as well.

“Just tell me you're alright.”

“I'm alright.” She nodded. “Its scary but I'm alright. I shouldn’t even have brought it up. Talk about ruining my high. No, we’re not going to do that anymore. New subject please, I would prefer.”

“Well in two weeks I'm going with Paulson and Michaels from Counterterrorism to Sci-Fi Con in Baltimore. Dirk Benedict is going to be there. There are rumors circulating that some of the stars of the Battlestar Reboot will be there as well. It’s a three day event. I actually got the time off work.”

“Seriously? I am so jealous. You can't go to the good things without me. I want to go.”

“I don’t think you want to share a mid-priced hotel room with three guys.” Kevin said.

“Eww, you are so right about that. Well make sure you take lots of pictures and if cool people are there tell them that Penelope Garcia loves them.”

“Will do. I’ll also keep a look out for the _Bionic Woman_ doll you’ve been trying to get your hands on.”

“Oh my God,” Penelope slipped her hand in his as she bounced up and down. “Did I tell you I almost had her three weeks ago. Emily sent me a link to an eBay auction. She was authentic; 1977 straight off the factory line. I was beat out at the last minute by this kid from The Philippines. I cried real tears.”

“Well I might get lucky.”

“Don’t spend too much money on me.”

“What will I do with it if I don’t spend it on you?” he asked.

“Kevin…”

For a while they were silent. That suited him just fine. While her ebullience, even when created by spirits, was fascinating, Kevin didn’t mind the quiet. Those were some of his favorite times with Penelope. Just the two of them breathing together made him a happier man. Damn, he was so hopeless.

“I totally turned the conversation back to me.” Penelope needed to talk again. She didn’t want to think and the quiet was making her think too much. “Tell me what's happening with you.”

“I've been working too much, just the same as you. I did help out recently with a White Collar project here in DC. We followed the money of this Ponzi scheme from like here to Jupiter. It was crazy; it was fun.”

“Did you catch the guy?”

“No, but we were able to drain his accounts. He’s on the run but owed about $10.5 million in restitution. Now some of the victims will at least be able to get some of their retirement funds back. I'm sure he has plenty more and is sipping martinis right now with cabana girls on an island with no extradition laws. If he was smart he would be anyway.”

“Criminals aren’t always smart.” Penelope said.

“I find that most are just lucky or prey on people who don’t realize what's happening until its too late. I also just bought a great new cherry oak and glass cabinet at this awesome consignment shop in Silver Spring. I'm going to display my comic books in it in the fun room.”

“Oh I miss the fun room.” she squeezed his hand.

“Maybe you can come over sometime for movie night. I know how busy you are but you can always use a break. No pressure, I'm just saying.”

“I would love to Kevin.”

“We won't plan anything.” He said. “That always has a way of falling through. Just give me a call or something. You always know where to find me, Penelope.”

“You're too nice to me sometimes.”

“I love you.” Kevin said it before he could stop himself. God, if only life were like the movies he could rewind and think twice.

“I love you too, Kevin.”

“Then why aren’t we together?” he asked. “Why love each other and be separated like this? Is it agony for you because it’s pure agony for me? I miss you every minute of everyday. When I'm determined that I won't anymore, I just miss you more. 

“Life goes on. I've been doing things and hanging out with people and working too much but it’s not the same without you. I just want finality…are we or aren’t we ever? At least if I know we could be friends maybe or I can move on altogether and it doesn’t have to hurt so much anymore like the not knowing. Maybe I should already know but I don’t. Maybe I just can't admit it to myself.”

Penelope didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t as if they didn’t have some version of this conversation in the last eleven months. He walked away from her, they both acknowledged that. But Penelope had some explaining to do and she just couldn’t find the words. It wasn’t that she didn’t love Kevin, she did. 

He made her happy and made her feel good. What's not to love about that? They were friends, lovers, and even when they fought they always made up. They shared things and…well, he shared things. There were parts of Penelope that were still off limits. 

Five years later and she was petrified of opening those vaults. She trusted Kevin with so much but not with that. It wasn’t because she thought he was a horrible person who would use it against her, she knew him well enough to know that wasn’t true. It was because she was scared. Penelope really feared if she couldn’t do it with Kevin then she couldn’t do it with anyone and would be forever alone. 

She knew he was a marrying man; that was clear as they got to know each other. She knew and waited until he was ready to pop the question to go off-kilter on him. Why hadn't she brought it up when they had one of the million and ten conversations they had over the years? Why hadn't she brought it up since they kinda, sorta broke up? To be a chatty Cathy like she was, Penelope Garcia was at a lost for words.

“I'm sorry.” Kevin said. “I didn’t even mean to go there. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that. I'm sorry.”

“It’s OK.”

“It’s not OK.” he shook his head.

“All you’ve ever wanted is an answer. If I love you, and I do, then you deserve that. Do you want to come in and have some coffee?”

“It’s late; I don’t know if I should.”

“It’s Saturday night. Do you have big plans in the morning?” Penelope asked.

“I'm doing a half-day at Quantico and then Lana and I are meeting up at the skate park.”

“Lana?”

“She’s a friend of mine…we met through mutual friends. We share a love of mozzarella sticks, 70s martial arts films, and skateboarding.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Kevin nodded. “But I’ll come in if you want me to. A cup of coffee won't take too long.”

“I don’t want to keep you.” she was about to turn around again. She surely didn’t want him being too tired to hang out with the mysterious Lana tomorrow afternoon. Who was this woman and what friends did he meet her through?

“I'm coming inside Penelope, if it’s still alright with you.”

“Its alright.” She managed a smile as she dug her keys out of her purse. 

They were in the courtyard now. This was the same courtyard where she was shot. If that hadn't have happened, she and Kevin never would've met. Well, no, Penelope didn’t believe that anymore. It was fate that they met. If they hadn't on the floor of the BAU then they would have in an elevator or the lobby or the parking lot. It was meant to be and it was.

“Get comfortable.” She said when they were inside her apartment. I hope you don’t mind but I have got to get out of these clothes. This corset is kinda killing me.”

“Do you want me to make the coffee?” Kevin asked. “I think I remember where everything is.”

“Sure.” her smile was more genuine now. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

She headed for her bedroom and Kevin walked across the room to the kitchen. It was so weird being in her apartment again. The few times they'd been out since the breakup it was at some neutral location where a million words were spoken but nothing was said. He turned on the light in the kitchen. 

There was old coffee in the machine so he cleaned the pot and got rid of the filter. He turned on the radio for company. Penelope’s favorite station was doing Saturday Night 70s just like always. KC and the Sunshine Band were singing _Boogie Shoes_.

Putzing around in the kitchen was easier than going to sit on the couch. There were too many memories here. Even as Kevin smiled about them, his heart hurt. Never in a million years did he think they’d end up like this.

“You know that Garcia is my stepfather’s last name right?” Penelope asked as she walked back into the room.

“I'm sorry?” Kevin turned to look at her. He couldn’t help but smile seeing her in a kimono with pigtails.

“I said you know that Garcia is my stepfather’s last name.”

“Yes. Your parents split up when you were about 7 and your mother remarried when you were nine.”

“That’s what happened, but there's a lot more to the story.”

“Well let’s have some coffee. We can talk about anything you want.”

“I haven’t told anyone what I'm about to tell you.” Penelope said. She went to the cabinet and grabbed two mugs. Then she turned off the radio. She loved music but Donna Summer wasn’t the right background noise for this story.

“OK. Sit down Penelope, I’ll get the coffee. I know how you take it.”

She nodded and went to sit on one of the stools. Penelope just watched him as he made her the perfect cup of coffee. Then he sat down across from her.

“My dad walked out on us.” She said. “He just waited until we went to sleep one night and walked out. But for months before that, probably even a year, there was nothing but fighting. My parents had a fairy tale romance and a horrible marriage. 

“I watched it crumble. I watched it every single day and even though I was just a little kid, I swore to myself that no one would ever make me cry like he made her cry. You don’t love someone and do that to them. And if he didn’t love her after the rings, did he even love her before?”

“But your stepfather showed you something different, right?” Kevin asked.

“I guess, but the imprint had already been made. My mom and stepfather loved each other so much. They rarely fought and they had these dumb nicknames for each other and there was so much laughter with them. I was a real pain in their ass but they still loved me so much. 

“I know that my mother was happy. I also knew all that she went through to get there. There was something so much more rational about that relationship. The head was stronger than the heart. I don’t even know what I'm saying but…”

“Your parents fell in love young. We’re not young Penelope. I’d like to think we have as much head as heart in our relationship. We’re lovers and friends and partners and buddies. At least that’s what I think.”

“I just don’t know if I can do it.” Penelope shook her head. “Every time I even think about it my throat closes and my chest gets so tight.” She put her hand over her heart. The pain she suffered, and me too, just comes flooding back. It scares me.”

“I get that.” Kevin nodded. 

“You do?”

“Of course I do. We all fear getting hurt, especially by the person we love the most. As much as I want to sit here and say I won't do that, how can I? How can I honestly? I surely thought you would never hurt me, but you did. It didn’t make me stop loving you.”

“I don’t want to lose you Kevin. Hell, I've already lost you and now I'm fighting to get something back but what if everything is ruined and we just spend the rest of our lives trying to recapture a magic that we destroyed…that I destroyed.”

“If you don’t want to get married then we won't get married.” He said.

“But it’s what you want so much.”

“No,” he put his coffee cup down and caressed her face. “I want you Penelope Garcia. I want to be your man and love you. I want to wake up way to early in the morning to make love. I want to play video games, have movie nights, and blog side by side. 

“I want you to film me biffing it on my skateboard. I want to take you to restaurants I can't afford and sleep in on mornings we aren’t supposed to. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. I don’t need to give you diamonds to do that. All you need is my love and you'll always have it.”

“You don’t hate me for what happened?” she asked.

“Even if we ended this I could never hate you.”

“Sometimes I hate me. I know how much I hurt you and it’s OK if you say so Kevin. You don’t have to be so nice about it.”

“I'm not being nice…I'm being me.” he said. “You broke my heart, is that what you want me to say. But I know you didn’t do it because you didn’t love me.”

“Why did I do it then?”

“You didn’t want to admit your fear. It’s OK to say you're afraid of the dark or of clowns but to say you're afraid of marriage. Maybe you thought I would think it was a cop-out, maybe you never even admitted it out loud to yourself until you were faced with it. I don’t know. Maybe you don’t know. 

“It doesn’t matter. You and me matter. All we had and all we could have matter. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life trying to recapture what we once had, Penelope. I'm just going to spend the rest of my life loving you.”

Penelope smiled, tears brimming in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around him. Kevin held on tight and just exhaled. She wanted him back. She missed him and missed them. It was a misunderstanding that blew up into a nuclear reaction. 

When she finally told him the truth he understood. If you loved someone you could share with them. You could even share the hard things. It wasn’t Kevin’s fault, or even her own, that Penelope wasn’t good at it sometimes. The resolution of this one issue wasn’t going to make it any easier the next time. But without resolving this there wouldn’t even be a next time.

“You can stay tonight.” she looked at him. “We can sleep in even though we’re not supposed to.”

“I would love to but I should go. I wanted to get to the office early tomorrow.” Kevin kissed her. “We can meet up for a late dinner, if I can still walk after skateboarding.”

“Are we really…?”

“I am.” He said. “Are you?”

“Yes Kevin.” Penelope nodded.

***


End file.
